The Picture That Inspired It All

When I conceived Stella I knew nothing about birth or motherhood besides horrific images of blood, screaming, emergencies, and women getting sliced open. I was curious and naturally minded in other aspects of life: buying organic, whole foods, yoga, natural household and hygiene products and sustainable living. Birth just grossed me out. I didn't want to deal with it, especially naturally. In my mind it was a curse and the worst thing a woman would experience. How did I go from that to my current state?

I was reading The Complete Organic Pregnancy and The Yummy Mummy Manifesto.  I usually become very intrigued and want to learn more when presented with an idea, fact, statistic or argument. Both of these books brought up natural birth. I decided to consider it. It made sense to at least consider it. I was reading everything I could online, but I was confused, overwhelmed, and alone. When the topic came up with friends or family, my decision was  often met with discouragement. I started to feel helpless.

I remembered this really cool gal. I remembered congratulating her on her daughter's arrival in front of her family's cafe. I remembered my jaw dropping  when she said she did it naturally and her responding with something like, "It's totally doable. Natural birth is something your body is designed to endure. You prepare your mind and body for it."

After feeling really discouraged, I knew I needed to seek help. Jessie is the first person I thought of . I had her on Myspace and looked her up. Her page had all kinds of interesting quotes about breastfeeding, vaccines, and birth. They made me think. I wanted to know more. Then, I looked at her photos. She had an album for her first daughter's birth, and looking at it changed me forever.

Isn't this stunning? All I could think was, "I want that. That is how it should be."
I was accustomed to births I saw on TLC and in movies. The woman is always stuck in a bed with all kinds of wires around her. The husband is able to be supportive, but not with his whole body!  The doctors and nurses are yelling, "PUSH!"  The baby is whisked away and manhandled by strangers. The moms rarely look as gorgeous as Jessie does here, thanks to the drugs. (Of least importance, but it is a perk!)

To describe in one word how this picture made me feel about birth: safe.  I still knew little at this point about the dangers and negative effects of induction, epidurals, and other interventions when not medically necessary. I didn't understand the battle families are up against when it comes to birthing naturally in a hospital. I did know in my mind and heart that what they experienced was safe, beautiful birth. I can't tell you how many times I went back and looked at it.

Isn't it crazy how one picture can change your world? One simple remark. It's fascinating how God uses little things to make big changes. I wanted to share this because I know there are a lot of women out there that are scared to feel good about choices they've made. I know I am. I am still working on my backbone. I worry about offending people. I know being open about my decisions leaves me open for attack. It's scary sometimes. I often feel so alone, like I'm the only person in the world questioning mainstream lifestyle and refusing to be forcefed BS from the media, government, and health professionals.

If you believe in something know why, be able to defend yourself gracefully, and rock it! I'm not saying we all need to blog about what's important to us or suggesting you become an obnoxious fool and shove your views on everyone. Be yourself, and you will inspire others. God will lead people to you, and you will know when to open your mouth or press the enter button. Many people will criticize or look down at you, but it's worth it. Even if you only help one person. It is so worth it.

This goes for any belief or cause, but I am of course speaking about birth. This isn't some crazy new parenting trend. Women need to take back birth. We need to take back nourishing our children with our well equipped bodies. We need to take back  the health of our families.  We need to help others stay informed. We need to stick together. We need to spread love. Humanity depends on it.

If you've read or heard my birth story, then you know I messaged Jessie and she ended up being my birth doula. She set me off in the right direction and I have learned so much from her.  She supported me even though I put myself in a hospital. She changed my mind about breastfeeding. She was honest and challenged me. I am forever thankful for this.

Anticipation

I am 38 weeks today! I can't believe it. I'm pretty comfortable and content. I have the typical end of pregnancy annoyances, but I'm still really enjoying this. As much as I want to see and meet him I'm not ready to share him with the rest of the world!  Besides the very dark, sad days I had in the beginning (and my ridiculously huge butt), I have nothing to complain about.

I don't know what the point of this post is, I keep writing and deleting paragraphs because my thoughts are all over the place. What do I really want to right about? There's always something bothering me and I don't want to always be writing about what bothers me.

"You're really going to do it at home?" "Why not just go to the hospital?"

I want to reply, "You are really going to the hospital?" . Instead I reply this way: "You know how uncomfortable the thought of giving birth at home makes you? Well, multiply that discomfort times 10 and that is how I feel about a low risk woman birthing in a hospital. It really worries me."  I try not to have the former "rude" mentality because I remember three years ago when home birth was an outrageous idea to me. I've been asking myself....how did I get here? When Cameron married me, he wasn't marrying a natural birth and back to basics enthusiast. I used to tell say things like this:

"If I ever have get pregnant it's going to be a scheduled cesarean and tummy tuck."
"If we have kids, I won't be able to clean up their puke, you'll have to do it."
"We're waiting at least 5-10 years to even think about kids. But we probably won't have any"
"Breastfeeding?! Weird! I wouldn't want a baby sucking on my boob!!!"
"Breastfeeding past infancy! There's something wrong with that mother."
"I hate kids."
"Newborns are ugly. They all look like aliens."
''If, if we ruin our lives by having kids, I demand a nanny."

There's more, but I'm already disgusted with my old self enough, so let's move on. Considering the previous statements, Cameron probably never thought his wife would say things like:

''I will have you deliver my baby on the side of the road before I go back to a hospital."
"I'm  going to breastfeed our kids and letting them self wean."
''We need to practice our Hypnobabies cues!" (self hypnosis, not the trance-like stuff you see on TV, it's essentially deep relaxation techniques)
''I can't decide what kind of cloth diaper I want!! Can I have one of each!?"
"We don't need to buy a crib."
"Are we going to circumcise our son? How do you feel about missing part of your penis without your consent?"
"I could stay awake all night just to watch her sleep."
"I'm going to blend thumb size parts of my placenta in a smoothie after the birth! You can't even taste it!"

Poor guy. I think he's happy though. And relieved. Actually, he told me after we had Stella that he was relieved. I don't think anyone expected me to transition to motherhood well. Or at all.
You see, I didn't set out to be "this type" of a person or mom. I'm my worst fear come true. I wear black leggings almost every day (sexy version of sweatpants, in my opinion.) I think of my child before myself most of the time! Weird! Seriously...it's really weird! I block the whole aisle with the race car shopping cart. For 6 months straight all of my shirts and bras smelled like breast milk. I feed my child with my breasts, in public. Anywhere. Anytime. I pick her nose, wipe her but, and clean up her vomit. I don't have a nanny and unless I have multiples in the future, probably never will. I spend 80 % of my free time educating myself on how to give my family the best and keep them as healthy as possible?!

Why am I saying all of this? Those are normal things that parents should do, right? Right. But Sabrina Hlavaty wasn't going to do those things, even if she was paid to! So why am I doing them? I don't know. I really don't. It's a miracle. It just started happening. Thanks to the example of other women who were taken captive by the miracle of motherhood, I was able to follow my instincts and do what makes sense for our family -which is usually not the norm or culturally accepted.

For once in my life I am confidently trusting God and getting things done. I'm so ready to do this all again. I am still really anxiety and fear free about my body giving birth the way it's supposed to. Seriously. Birth is a rite of passage. I can't wait to experience it to the fullest! Not strapped down by tubes, monitors and hospital protocol. Not surrounded by strangers. My dad's room, in my childhood home, will forever hold the memory of his first grandson being born. Every birth is one, but we will witness a miracle in the purest form and safest way possible for us.

Yes, I am really giving birth at home. I'm not a saint, just a woman, fully embracing the coolest gift God gave me....participating with Him and my life mate in giving life.