This Is Where the Healing Begins

"So you thought you had to keep this up. All the work that you do so we think that you're good. And you can't believe it's not enough. All the walls you built up are just glass on the outside. So let 'em fall down.There's freedom waiting in the sound when you let your walls fall to the ground. We're here now" -Tenth Avenue North


Most people don't know that Stella wasn't my first pregnancy. That is the way I wanted it. The coping mechanism I most often use for any suffering in my life is to forget. It seems so much easier to pretend that a negative experience didn't happen, but in the long run it is devastating to one's spirit.


Three months into our engagement, Cameron and I found out we were pregnant. In fact, the same night I sat my father down and told him I wanted to postpone our wedding - I was eighteen , six months fresh out of rehab, and just graduated high school - was the night I found out. I know, what a great day. A lot of people tried to help me look on the bright side, "Hey, at least you're getting married! At least you're not in high school!" I was more concerned with the fact that children are brats, we had to cancel our honeymoon to Disney, my beautiful dress that my dad had already paid for wasn't going to fit in three more months, and the last thing I wanted to be was a pregnant bride. (Me, me, me, me!) Other negative realities were I had a 2 pack a day habit, was planning a wedding while working full time as a manager of a small gelatiere/cafe, and did I mention I wasn't very fond of children?


At about 9 1/2 weeks I started to spot. Everyone told me that it was normal. For more days went by and I was very heavy. Finally on a Sunday I trusted my gut and told Cameron we needed to go to the emergency room. It was such a surreal experience. The nurses and doctors didn't communicate very well with us.The whole time I had no idea what was going on until finally, when I was being discharged we asked, "So what's going on?" The nurse getting me ready to go said in a pleasant and cheerful voice, "Oh, you are in the process of having a miscarriage." And showed us the way out.


A few days before I started bleeding I had finally become content and thankful for the blessing of having a child, so although a miscarriage ended up being a huge relief to the selfish part of me, Cameron and I  were devastated. "It just happens a lot" and "At least you were only two months along" did't make it any better. My puppy was missing when we got home from my D & C (she was found.) I thought God was punishing me and told Cameron he was next that was being taken. I recovered and forgot with pain medication, 2 packs a day, long work shifts, and busy wedding plans. I told myself all that it was only a little blob of cells. My wedding dress fit perfectly and we moved on. 


I never thought about the anniversary of the baby's passing much. I couldn't even remember it and had to dig for the date, honestly. Growing, birthing, and nourishing Stella from my body has changed that. This late summer heat has been killing me emotionally. To understand that it wasn't just a blob of cells, but in fact was a baby with a heartbeat and fingers, brought all of the pain back. I realized to simply forget about this tragedy was to deny that there is a little angel baby waiting to meet us in Heaven.


We all bear so much burden whether it's something from our own hand, a natural disaster, or outside attack. We can't make it on our own. It's much more painful to reject God's comfort, healing and joy and keep all the pain tucked away inside of us than to ask for help or confess something. I'm not suggesting everyone tell the whole internet their deepest secrets. Most times it's just admitting things to God between the two of you. Plenty of people are hurting in the same places you are. They're probably the one's you are jealous of or intimated by (I'm speaking from experience) So, this is me letting my walls down, in hopes of healing from the hurt of losing a baby (along with many other hurts) and inspiring you to do so as well.


"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7