Bastian's Birth

I am really good at quitting. There are so many things I have started and gave up on. I get discouraged easily and once my confidence wavers I assume I'll never be able to accomplish or be good at the task, so I quit.

In one of the first conversations Cameron and I had reflecting on Stella's {birth} we decided no matter what it took we would choose a well qualified midwife to attend our next child's birth, preferably at home. I knew I had to do whatever it took to make sure I didn't quit on natural child birth. I threw myself into preparations as soon as I knew I was definitely pregnant. I revisited the same techniques I used for Stella's birth, but with more fervor. I re studied self hypnosis (deep relaxation) using the Hypnobabies method. I read Ina May's books Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May's Guide to Child Birth They include several great birth stories and information on the mind/body connection). I watched every natural birth video and read every birth story I could find, focusing on births that used water and self hypnosis for pain management.I saw my chiropractor every other week. I stretched and stayed active.  My husband and I worked through a lot of issues, most often through intense arguments. I asked God to show me my fears and we worked through them through prayer, journalism and worship.

I preface our birth story with this because although I believe any woman can give birth naturally in pretty much any circumstance with little or no knowledge about natural birth, I felt that to give myself the best possible opportunity and experience it was necessary to  work on all of the baggage and negativity about my body and birth that have built up in my mind and heart . I had 20 years of negative images and experiences I had to deal with. I wanted to fully surrender to God's design for birth.  The result? Overall, I had a extremely comfortable, enjoyable experience. It was magical, actually.

On June 30th I was at 40 weeks 3 days. I drove up to Gentle Birth Options for an appointment. I think it was at 10 AM. My midwife swept my membranes, with my permission, to get things kick started. I called Jessie, my friend and doula from Stella's birth, to let her know things could get rolling anytime. My mom and youngest brother were hanging out with Stella at my house. We decided to go to the Thai market to get some last minute ingredients for my post postpartum meal. At 2:30, I walked out the door chatting with Jessie on the phone and felt an involuntary release of fluid. My shorts were soaked. I looked at my mom and exclaimed, "I think my water just broke!" The phone calls started: midwife, Cameron, dad, etc. My mom took video of me blowing up my birthing tub. Cameron arrived and as a team we straightened up the house, prepped food, and I finished preparing the birthing room. I wasn't feeling anything but braxton hicks like pressure.

When Jessie got into town she headed over and I decided I wanted a little mommy time, so the two of us headed up to Starbucks which is a 2 minute drive from my house. When we walked in we saw some familiar faces....my birth team!!! It was such a surprise. Cindi, my midwife, was on her way. They had me walking around Uptown Station to help speed things along. We ended up heading back to Starbucks and chit chatting for a while. It was fun to experience them outside of appointments and La Leche League meetings. Around 9:30 PM we headed to the house to see how things were going. I was still really comfortable and feeling minimal pressure.

When we got home I took the opportunity to spend some time hanging out with Cameron while my dad and birth team watched Orgasmic Birth. Ha ha! That must have been an interesting experience for him. I'm just glad I wasn't watching it with him.(by the way, when I refer to birth team I'm speaking of my midwife, the 3 birth assistants, Jessie, and the photographer, it's just easier than listing everyone)

Stella became very enamored with and attached to Jessie that night, and when she left to go nurse her daughter at home Stella freaked out. She was exhausted and SO much was happening. I haven't heard her scream like she did but a couple times in her life. I took her into my room and rocked her to sleep singing the Barney song. I felt it coming. I rushed over to the tile and more water was released. A HUGE gush this time. All the while singing "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family..." and rocking back and forth. Stella fell asleep in my arms while all of this happened, so Cameron came and took my bottoms off and wiped me down. I put her in bed and told the team the news. I think that I went to the back again to relax, but I still felt only minimal pressure.  I thought if I wasn't trying so hard to "feel" something I would relax better and get things going. When I came out into the living room Cindi encouraged my family and I to get some rest. I have to admit I was bummed. I was so ready for everything to happen that night, but the reality was I was still in early labor. They were going to go check on a momma in Crestview. I think it was around 11 PM at that point.

Cameron put my Hypnobabies CD's in and blew out all but one candle. He was so supportive. We relaxed in bed, he rubbed my back, and each time I felt pressure he embraced me and told me "peace." I dozed off a few times, but couldn't sleep through the pressure waves. Stella woke up at some point and he brought her in our bed. Our last night as a family of three.

I woke up at 3 AM and knew things were picking up slightly. My dad has this amazing walk in shower with a rain-like shower head. I alternated between taking showers and sitting on an exercise ball, all the while listening to Fleet Foxes and Joni Mitchell. Singing, rocking, squatting. This was one of my favorite moments of the whole experience. I was alone, naked, fully woman, encouraging my son to make his presence. Comforting myself with movement and song.

Then I had a bowel movement. I knew it wasn't him coming, but at the same time I couldn't help but think about those women that didn't know they were pregnant who go to the bathroom and out pops a baby! Haha, so I had a little nervousness getting through that. Afterwards it was reassurance that my body really was getting ready. I kept having to tell myself "This is really happening. You are really going to have another baby. Soon."

Around 5 AM I woke Cameron. I needed my midwife and birth team. I was getting uncomfortable and wanted to get into the tub, but had to wait for them to arrive. He called, and they let him know they were going to deliver a baby in a few minutes and would head over as soon as possible. I woke up Jessie to let them know they were on their way. I felt so bad that they would have no sleep, but once they arrived you could hardly tell.

I got into the pool and it was very relaxing. There was a sweet moment when Stella came in. I had an orange storage tub for birth supplies that was empty. She sat in it with one of her babies. Her own birthing pool just like mommy. It made my heart so happy to see her, but Cindi suggested that there was too much action going on for me to focus, so Jessie took her out to my mom and dad. I'm pretty sure everyone else left so Cameron and I could be by ourselves again. Time went on. I was still so comfortable in the water, but something was worrying me.  I kept thinking to myself, "This still doesn't feel as intense as it should." I couldn't figure out if I was just so relaxed because of the self-hypnosis or if I wasn't progressing. I had someone get Cindi and expressed my concern to her. She recommended squatting. Out of the pool and onto the ball. They gave me a washcloth with clary sage (oh it smelled wonderful!) to  strengthen my contractions, I used my breast pump and squatted on the ball. When the pressure waves came I would lean back into Cameron and felt 100 times stronger. At this point I felt a little uneasy, but not because of pain. I really didn't want to be transferred after all of this. I kept asking myself "What if I don't progress?! Things have got to get going." Cindi suggested that maybe my water wasn't completely released and that Bastian's head could be acting like a cork keeping it in. So, I agreed to have her check and if that was the case she was going to release them the rest of the way. She did , and let me know I was about 6 cm. I was so relieved. All during Stella's birth the only thing I ever heard was "You're still a 1" So hearing I was over halfway dilated was very encouraging.

The pressure picked up really fast, so I asked to get back into the pool. Oh, sweet relief. I never envisioned wanting Cameron in the water with me, but I looked at him and said, "I need you in here." He changed into his  swim trunks and sat behind me rubbing my back, telling me "peace" (this is a hypnobabies technique) and embracing me. I think for most of the time I was leaning forward on the side of the pool. I started to feel pushy and kept it to myself for a few contractions to make sure. I was in disbelief that I could be so relaxed and so close to pushing. Wasn't I supposed to be screaming and begging for relief in transition? I started "Ahhhhing" with the waves. At some point I think I said out loud I was ready to push, although I'm sure they already knew that's what was happening.

I leaned back into Cameron. This is where things got hard for me. My bottom kept floating up making it hard for me to get a grip on bearing down. I kept feeling him make his way out and then go back in. I got discouraged by it and thought, "Okay, buddy how long are we going to do this for? I'm freaking exhausted!" I  remember feeling myself and trying to feel his head to get some sort of assurance that he was really down there and really coming out. He was :-)

Jessie was on one side of the pool holding my hand and Michelle (birth assistant) on the other reminding me of my strength, to keep my jaw loose, and reassuring me that I was doing it. I looked up and made eye contact with my chiropractor thinking to myself  "When did she get here?!" I have to stop and say something about these three women. I am of course balling my eyes out right now thinking of them. Becoming a mother is an indescribable experience. I never expected to embrace motherhood the way I have. They have each been so encouraging and inspiring to me on this journey, especially in the early days of being a first time mom.  Jessie referred me to Sarah for chiropractic care and La Leche League meetings which is where I met Michelle. Michelle showed me how to use my Moby Wrap after I expressed to her I couldn't figure out how to use the darn thing and I have always admired her and her beautiful smile. She just lights up any room she's in! I've always felt thankful for their kindness, patience and sisterhood-like commitment to women. La Leche League meetings were all I looked forward to for a long time so I could be surrounded by so many amazing, like-minded women. They introduced me to a great community. When I felt like an outcast for my parenting and lifestyle choices, these women helped me keep my chin up with their stories. They each do so much for our community professionally and by setting an example. Everyone has heroes....imagine having several of yours cheering you on at your birth. I felt like a...I don't know - queen, VIP, goddess? During birth? Yes.

I don't think I pushed for too long.  It certainly felt long. I remember cracking my neck (twice) and then opening my eyes, making eye contact again with *gasp* my chiropractor! I told her "I'm sorry but it felt good." I also joked about my huge behind. "You would think as huge as my butt is it wouldn't float up" We all laughed. Laughing felt good. I felt really discouraged at one point and told Bastian, "I just want to hold you." I asked if someone could go get my parents and Stella once his head came out. Once I got his head out I honestly just wanted someone to pull him out of me. I remember Cindi telling me I needed to push and I think I even said something like, "Can you just pull him out?" Everything is blurry here, but I remember hearing Stella coming down the hall and seeing a glimpse of my parents. They got me to come forward, telling me to push... I guess I pushed? because the next thing I know I hear, "Sabrina, grab your baby!"

I looked down in the water and there he was floating around. I grabbed him, pulled him to my chest and experienced pure joy. We did it.

I had to get out of the pool. The cord was super short so I was having trouble. They had me lay down on the floor and the placenta just slid right out. Jessie was supporting me from behind. They went ahead and let Cameron cut the cord since it was so short. They cleaned me up and got me into the bed. It was so blissful. I held him on my chest and worked on nursing right away. My dad mentioned afterward that it was very awe inspiring to see them all working together. In no time the room was cleaned up, Cindi checked Bastian out and Michelle helped me with nursing.

Cindi left to go check on the other mom, and the birth assistants finished everything up. They gave me a tour of the placenta. They did a placenta print. And...they made me a placenta smoothie, at my request. It's not as gross as it sounds! It wasn't gross at all actually.  They took a thumb size piece and blended it with a bunch of fruit and yogurt. It tasted just like a berry smoothie, no placenta taste at all. :-) They also took the rest of my placenta and encapsulated it for me, so I could take it as a pill. My first "meal" was a cup of the broth my mom and I made. I eventually had a full bowl of Kuey Teow (no idea if that is the correct spelling - Thai noodle soup) Much better than hospital food, and my mom made it perfect! I sat on frozen pads that were soaked in herbs and witch hazel. My recovery felt so fast. I felt amazing. We even went to Harborwalk for fireworks 3 days later! Besides that I just slept, ate, and nursed Bastian thanks to my amazing husband and family. They cooked and cleaned and entertained Stella. She is a fabulous big sister and loves him to pieces, her Batchy.

I am beyond blessed to have the support I had for his birth.  They will forever be like family. I don't know how I could ever fully express my gratitude for all of their work and dedication. Even my dad said, "I think planning this home birth is one of the best decisions you've ever made." Birth is beautiful miracle, and I'm so thankful I was able to do it safely at home with women who believe in birth and allowed me to experience it to the fullest.

PS....A slide show of pictures telling our birth story  by Nicole Jade Photography coming soon! They will do a much better job at sharing the experience than my rambling :-)

The Picture That Inspired It All

When I conceived Stella I knew nothing about birth or motherhood besides horrific images of blood, screaming, emergencies, and women getting sliced open. I was curious and naturally minded in other aspects of life: buying organic, whole foods, yoga, natural household and hygiene products and sustainable living. Birth just grossed me out. I didn't want to deal with it, especially naturally. In my mind it was a curse and the worst thing a woman would experience. How did I go from that to my current state?

I was reading The Complete Organic Pregnancy and The Yummy Mummy Manifesto.  I usually become very intrigued and want to learn more when presented with an idea, fact, statistic or argument. Both of these books brought up natural birth. I decided to consider it. It made sense to at least consider it. I was reading everything I could online, but I was confused, overwhelmed, and alone. When the topic came up with friends or family, my decision was  often met with discouragement. I started to feel helpless.

I remembered this really cool gal. I remembered congratulating her on her daughter's arrival in front of her family's cafe. I remembered my jaw dropping  when she said she did it naturally and her responding with something like, "It's totally doable. Natural birth is something your body is designed to endure. You prepare your mind and body for it."

After feeling really discouraged, I knew I needed to seek help. Jessie is the first person I thought of . I had her on Myspace and looked her up. Her page had all kinds of interesting quotes about breastfeeding, vaccines, and birth. They made me think. I wanted to know more. Then, I looked at her photos. She had an album for her first daughter's birth, and looking at it changed me forever.

Isn't this stunning? All I could think was, "I want that. That is how it should be."
I was accustomed to births I saw on TLC and in movies. The woman is always stuck in a bed with all kinds of wires around her. The husband is able to be supportive, but not with his whole body!  The doctors and nurses are yelling, "PUSH!"  The baby is whisked away and manhandled by strangers. The moms rarely look as gorgeous as Jessie does here, thanks to the drugs. (Of least importance, but it is a perk!)

To describe in one word how this picture made me feel about birth: safe.  I still knew little at this point about the dangers and negative effects of induction, epidurals, and other interventions when not medically necessary. I didn't understand the battle families are up against when it comes to birthing naturally in a hospital. I did know in my mind and heart that what they experienced was safe, beautiful birth. I can't tell you how many times I went back and looked at it.

Isn't it crazy how one picture can change your world? One simple remark. It's fascinating how God uses little things to make big changes. I wanted to share this because I know there are a lot of women out there that are scared to feel good about choices they've made. I know I am. I am still working on my backbone. I worry about offending people. I know being open about my decisions leaves me open for attack. It's scary sometimes. I often feel so alone, like I'm the only person in the world questioning mainstream lifestyle and refusing to be forcefed BS from the media, government, and health professionals.

If you believe in something know why, be able to defend yourself gracefully, and rock it! I'm not saying we all need to blog about what's important to us or suggesting you become an obnoxious fool and shove your views on everyone. Be yourself, and you will inspire others. God will lead people to you, and you will know when to open your mouth or press the enter button. Many people will criticize or look down at you, but it's worth it. Even if you only help one person. It is so worth it.

This goes for any belief or cause, but I am of course speaking about birth. This isn't some crazy new parenting trend. Women need to take back birth. We need to take back nourishing our children with our well equipped bodies. We need to take back  the health of our families.  We need to help others stay informed. We need to stick together. We need to spread love. Humanity depends on it.

If you've read or heard my birth story, then you know I messaged Jessie and she ended up being my birth doula. She set me off in the right direction and I have learned so much from her.  She supported me even though I put myself in a hospital. She changed my mind about breastfeeding. She was honest and challenged me. I am forever thankful for this.

Anticipation

I am 38 weeks today! I can't believe it. I'm pretty comfortable and content. I have the typical end of pregnancy annoyances, but I'm still really enjoying this. As much as I want to see and meet him I'm not ready to share him with the rest of the world!  Besides the very dark, sad days I had in the beginning (and my ridiculously huge butt), I have nothing to complain about.

I don't know what the point of this post is, I keep writing and deleting paragraphs because my thoughts are all over the place. What do I really want to right about? There's always something bothering me and I don't want to always be writing about what bothers me.

"You're really going to do it at home?" "Why not just go to the hospital?"

I want to reply, "You are really going to the hospital?" . Instead I reply this way: "You know how uncomfortable the thought of giving birth at home makes you? Well, multiply that discomfort times 10 and that is how I feel about a low risk woman birthing in a hospital. It really worries me."  I try not to have the former "rude" mentality because I remember three years ago when home birth was an outrageous idea to me. I've been asking myself....how did I get here? When Cameron married me, he wasn't marrying a natural birth and back to basics enthusiast. I used to tell say things like this:

"If I ever have get pregnant it's going to be a scheduled cesarean and tummy tuck."
"If we have kids, I won't be able to clean up their puke, you'll have to do it."
"We're waiting at least 5-10 years to even think about kids. But we probably won't have any"
"Breastfeeding?! Weird! I wouldn't want a baby sucking on my boob!!!"
"Breastfeeding past infancy! There's something wrong with that mother."
"I hate kids."
"Newborns are ugly. They all look like aliens."
''If, if we ruin our lives by having kids, I demand a nanny."

There's more, but I'm already disgusted with my old self enough, so let's move on. Considering the previous statements, Cameron probably never thought his wife would say things like:

''I will have you deliver my baby on the side of the road before I go back to a hospital."
"I'm  going to breastfeed our kids and letting them self wean."
''We need to practice our Hypnobabies cues!" (self hypnosis, not the trance-like stuff you see on TV, it's essentially deep relaxation techniques)
''I can't decide what kind of cloth diaper I want!! Can I have one of each!?"
"We don't need to buy a crib."
"Are we going to circumcise our son? How do you feel about missing part of your penis without your consent?"
"I could stay awake all night just to watch her sleep."
"I'm going to blend thumb size parts of my placenta in a smoothie after the birth! You can't even taste it!"

Poor guy. I think he's happy though. And relieved. Actually, he told me after we had Stella that he was relieved. I don't think anyone expected me to transition to motherhood well. Or at all.
You see, I didn't set out to be "this type" of a person or mom. I'm my worst fear come true. I wear black leggings almost every day (sexy version of sweatpants, in my opinion.) I think of my child before myself most of the time! Weird! Seriously...it's really weird! I block the whole aisle with the race car shopping cart. For 6 months straight all of my shirts and bras smelled like breast milk. I feed my child with my breasts, in public. Anywhere. Anytime. I pick her nose, wipe her but, and clean up her vomit. I don't have a nanny and unless I have multiples in the future, probably never will. I spend 80 % of my free time educating myself on how to give my family the best and keep them as healthy as possible?!

Why am I saying all of this? Those are normal things that parents should do, right? Right. But Sabrina Hlavaty wasn't going to do those things, even if she was paid to! So why am I doing them? I don't know. I really don't. It's a miracle. It just started happening. Thanks to the example of other women who were taken captive by the miracle of motherhood, I was able to follow my instincts and do what makes sense for our family -which is usually not the norm or culturally accepted.

For once in my life I am confidently trusting God and getting things done. I'm so ready to do this all again. I am still really anxiety and fear free about my body giving birth the way it's supposed to. Seriously. Birth is a rite of passage. I can't wait to experience it to the fullest! Not strapped down by tubes, monitors and hospital protocol. Not surrounded by strangers. My dad's room, in my childhood home, will forever hold the memory of his first grandson being born. Every birth is one, but we will witness a miracle in the purest form and safest way possible for us.

Yes, I am really giving birth at home. I'm not a saint, just a woman, fully embracing the coolest gift God gave me....participating with Him and my life mate in giving life.

Stella's Birth Story or Why We're Choosing Homebirth

In preparation for my birth experience with our second child I want to come to terms with Stella's birth, so I am writing our full story - conception to birth. I am doing this for me and for the thousands of woman are denied their right to safely bring their children into the world with their own strength. This will be long!

I was twenty, a mere ten months into our marriage, and living in a brand new city with no family or friends around. We had decided a couple months prior that we would leave the conception of our children up to God and stopped preventing pregnancy the night before I moved to Charlotte, NC.

I took this in Charlotte at Pottery Barn Kids a couple weeks before I conceived her. I've known since I was sixteen I would have a first born  girl named Stella. When I saw this I had chills over my body so I took a picture on my phone to show her when she's grown how I got a little sign that she was coming. I hope to buy her a vanity like this one day.

It was not ideal at all. I was working almost full time as a shipment leader (fast paced, lifting, pulling, pushing) with shifts at 4:30 AM. Cameron was frantically searching for a job to hold him over until his job offer that "secured" our move went through a few months later. It was really hard to get an appointment up there. No one was calling me back for days, and when they did I was told "We will call you back in a week to schedule an appointment." I was scared, hormonal, and lonely. Our marriage was going through a huge test with  me being the Pregnant Breadwinner. I had an anxiety attack one morning after dealing with stress at work. We decided to move back to Florida when our lease was up. I called White Wilson to make an appointment (it took about 30 seconds) and a few days later we were on our way down to Florida for a visit!

A deer tried to tackle my sweet, yellow Beetle in Luverne, AL on our way down. Cameron was driving, thank God, and we were okay, but the car was not. Our insurance company had mistakenly switched us over to liability from full coverage when we moved, so the damage wasn't covered . We decided to grab our stuff from Charlotte, and move in with my dad. This is how we ended up back in Florida.

Before all of that, I had been reading up on my choices in birth. I knew nothing. I had just heard the typical over-dramatized horror stories. After reading The Yummy Mummy Manifesto, I decided I wanted to try to have a natural birth. It didn't make sense to me that I wouldn't get drunk or snort a line, but would willingly accept a drug into my body during labor that inhibited my ability to birth AND crossed the placenta. (My only reasoning at the time) We were also already in the process of switching to an organic diet, changing our personal hygiene and household cleaning products. Of course, when asked questions about my pregnancy and birth, people would respond to my answers with shock and dismay. I was getting discouraged about my decision.

I knew a girl that told me she had her daughter naturally. We had hung out once when in high school and crossed each others paths a few times because of our jobs.. I remember when she told me, my jaw dropped and I exclaimed, "Really! Did it hurt?!" She informed me that you prepare yourself for birth, and that our bodies are made to do it. This little seed stayed with me for two years and was slowly beginning to germinate. This was before Facebook was all the rage, so I had her as a friend on Myspace. I thought of her when I started getting doubts and went on her page. She had several quotes, links, and books listed about natural birth, breastfeeding, and vaccination. I ate them all up and wanted to learn more. I got over being shy and decided to message her. I told her my situation and she offered moral support, pointed me in the right direction and....to be my doula!



 Despite her efforts and my research, I still chose a hospital birth. I chose Sacred Heart out in Miramar which, I'll say is much more mother & baby-friendly compared to my other option, but it's not about hospitals being evil/good. They are for the medically needy. I was not ill. I did not have any complications. There was nothing safer about a hospital birth for me - a low-risk, healthy individual. I didn't listen. Honestly, here's the real reason why. We were in a bad financial struggle at the time. Medicaid completely covered a hospital birth. While prenatal care and home birth with no coverage is only $4,000-6,000 (a lot less compared to a regular, vaginal hospital birth with no coverage) it was still a few thousand dollars we didn't want to have hanging over our heads. Yeah, we could get on a flexible payment plan, but it was still money I would not have to worry about thanks to Medicaid if I could pull this gig off in a hospital. I was going to fight the system, birth my baby naturally in the hospital, save the money, and all would be well.

Until I was induced. I knew about induction. In fact, I remember posting this chart on Facebook that explains a lot if you don't already know some of the reasons why a mom would not want to be induced unless absolutely medically necessary.

I no longer have the link for this chart and am having trouble finding it. If you have it please pass it along so I can give credit!

Here's what I experienced. I was lucky, though, and avoided a cesarean and was hell-bent on breastfeeding;

I was "4 days late.'' Technically, I was right on my original due date, the 27th. They had changed it after an ultrasound to the 23rd. Ultrasounds are not 100 percent accurate. A due date is an ESTIMATED DUE DATE. Full term is anywhere from 37-42 weeks. I had an appointment the day I was 4 days late, and we were to check on the baby and discuss induction dates. My mother-in-law was with  me, thankfully, and I planned on pushing the date as far as possible. After an ultrasound, my OB discovered that the fluid was low. I had just woken up an hour before the appointment, had no water all night, and was still working on hydrating myself. Instead of giving me a chance to replenish my fluid, she declared, "This baby is coming today.'' I was pushed in a wheelchair to the Family Birth Place, a pretty way of saying "Labor & Delivery"

I called Cameron to tell him to head out and then my doula, Jessie, in tears. My mom and step-mom started to make their way out as well. It was around 8 AM. Thankfully they didn't start the procedure right away and every minute was a minute closer to the possibility of Stella choosing to come on her own. At around noon they gave me Cervidil to ripen my cervix. After a couple hours I felt what I thought were just cramps. I can't remember all the times but a few hours later around 6 PM they started the pitocin. The contractions started to bother me. I was allowed to move around but had to keep the annoying fetal monitor on. I sat on the birthing ball and on the toilet, but my favorite place was in the tub with the whirlpool jets massaging my feet and lower back. Stella's heart rate was dropping and/or irregular (can't remember all of the details) and the fetal monitor kept slipping off. It's common for the heart rate to drop during contractions. A side effect of pitocin for the fetus is slow or irregular heartbeat.

I had an awesome naturally minded nurse who was really supportive of my birth choices. I found out later she actually got yelled at for letting me get back in the tub at one point. I was forced to get back in the bed. I was pissed. I had my Hypnobabies CD going and it was helping, but I could not deal with my pain laying in that damn bed. Hours went by. Everyone took turns massaging me. 

Then things took a turn for the worse. I wasn't allowed to get up to go to the bathroom. I kept having urges to  pee. It made it even harder to deal with the contractions (which were already abnormally hard because of the pitocin). They made me pee in a bed pan. It only happened because I finally had to go so bad that it just came out. Can you imagine peeing on demand in front of your friend, husband, mother-in-law, mother, step mother, and nurses? Yeah. Oh and the oxygen! I had to keep this oxygen tube in my nose and it was horrid. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was losing control and  I felt my determination slipping. I kept getting more and more pissed and deep down I wanted everyone out and to let me focus, but I was scared and trying to make everyone happy. I hid any indication of wanting to be alone with Cameron. I vomited all over my mother-in-law's feet. She was to my left and when I had the urge I just turned that way and let it out. Thankfully, she had a change of shoes.

Stuck in the bed. 

I personally believe I was in transition, the most difficult and intense phase of labor. Mostly because I remember yelling "I can't f***ing do this!!" several times. Women often get nauseous, shaky/chills or vomit during transition. Right after I threw up, my OB came in and said, "We have to talk about your options. She explained that if things didn't progress I would end up with an emergency cesarean. She recommended an epidural to help me relax and see if that progressed things. She said it worked for her. I wanted to scream in her face, "Why don't you let me out of this damn bed to relax and let's see if it progresses!?!" But I was done fighting. I caved. I had to accept defeat in front of a room full of people who just didn't really understand (excluding Jessie). I exclaimed that I was a failure, and the response was "All that matters is that you end up with a healthy baby." Exactly.  I could have done that on my own instead of us being pushed around AND endangered with all of their unnecessary, risky interventions.

I took the epidural. I made sure to show absolute disgust to my anesthesiologist. My body became numb and I lost complete touch with my birth until I felt the urge to push. That was my "light at the end of the tunnel" moment. I now had some hope that I could get out of this mess without being cut! She let me go for a little longer while they got everything prepped. I pushed very slow and steady for about 40 minutes, again with an audience I wouldn't let down, and had to dig really deep to shut them out and find my "happy place" to focus on my task. She arrived at almost 6 AM the next morning without any tearing or hemorrhaging. She was placed right on my chest and time stopped. They were right to an extent, she was all that mattered.

She was all that mattered. I was able to try to nurse her right away. I don't know for a fact that she would have latched instantly without any problems if she hadn't been exposed to the epidural. I will never know, but I do believe it. There are woman who birth naturally at home that still have breastfeeding struggles, but that doesn't mean epidurals don't get in the way of establishing a breastfeeding relationship. Not to mention all the risks that come with getting them. 

Instead, we ended up struggling, and I came so close to giving up on nursing her several times. I am thankful I didn't end up under the knife and I know I am extremely blessed that I was encouraged and supported in my breastfeeding efforts (but I did prepare for that in advance and made sure to have contacts - a doula, an Lactation Consultant, and a chiropractor who was also a La Leche League Leader - to help me with obstacles.) The point is, we have a choice. My choices put me at a higher risk for all kinds of unnecessary interventions that can and do have lasting effects.

My story has a pretty nice ending compared to many women. Many are robbed of a vaginal birth. Many are robbed of feeding their own child. Many are left with a feeling of failure and extreme guilt. Some even lose their life or lose their child or both. Many have to deal with complications afterwards that make recovery and enjoying their new blessing extremely difficult. I can't imagine it, the guilt of the induction and epidural were hard enough. I think most woman know deep down when their birth interventions weren't necessary, and most can't find the words to talk about it, so we block it out. They're "just moms" not the medical professional. I can say that I have had and still have to deal with extreme bitterness towards the whole ordeal. I couldn't think about my birth without cringing in disgust. This is the first time I've thought about the whole experience, every detail. Usually I block parts of it out. I've come to terms with it for the most part, and am happy I can share my store with other women who experienced the same and maybe prevent more women from ever experiencing it.

This time, I am determined to stand up for my rights. I will protect myself and my child. I am not sick. I have this amazing system of a body. God designed it perfectly and it knows exactly what to do. I am going to birth this child with my own strength, on our own time.(If I remain low-risk, of course. I am also thankful for hospitals, OB's, and interventions when they are needed.) I will do everything I can to breastfeed this baby. I will sleep with him by my side, in my bed. I won't have to worry about being bombarded with questions about vaccination and circumcision and a nurse telling me I can't sleep with my baby.

I am not birthing at home because I'm Wonder Woman. I am not stronger than you. I am not trying to be a martyr. After much prayer and research I have come to this conclusion: 

I am simply giving birth where I believe is safest for my unborn child and most supportive of my lifestyle choices.

Thank you, Stella, for inspiring me to be the best momma I can be.

PS I haven't taken ANY belly pictures since week 17. It just didn't happen. I'll try to take a couple more along the way, but it definitely won't be a weekly event. Also, I'm making the papaya salad tomorrow and will form a recipe and take pictures while I do it -I've never measured anything while making it! I am hoping to have it up before I go on vacation Friday!

Maternity Photo Series Debut

While pregnant with Stella I took pictures to track my growing baby bump. I didn't get really into it because I hated getting pictures taken of myself. My hair was at an awkward length due to growing it out. It took forever for me to actually start showing because I'm not super tiny. My whole belly was plagued with stretch marks halfway through. I also lost any sense of style. I hated dressing myself. I wouldn't look in the mirror....it was horrible. When my wedding photographer showed up at my door to do a maternity shoot and was shocked. I had no make up on, my hair was pulled back into a mess, and I may as well have been wearing dirty rags.

This time, things are going to be different. My pessimist, depressed side tends to get more extreme than most while I'm growing a human. It's extremely hard for me to deal with gaining weight. The last thing I need are bigger boobs, butt, and hips. I have to learn to deal, so I'm going to force myself to do a simple photo shoot every week as I expand. Hair, make-up, wardrobe - the works! Cameron will be my photographer and Stella my adorable sidekick. I've been perusing thrift stores and clearance racks looking for treasures I can turn into maternity wear to prove you can be a hot mama on a super tight budget

My inspiration for this project came from Bleubird Vintage, one of my favorite blogs. Here is her set of photos and letters to their baby bird. We are no where near as talented as Miss James and her beau, but we're just happy to be able to provide ourselves and our little canaries with memories of our anticipation for their arrival.

Without further ado, the bump:

Not much to see so far

 Stella wanted to see what was going on under there.

 My apple!!

We were taking these just for fun. Trying to get Stella to give baby kisses.

Dear Canary Number Two,

I'm so excited about these next few months of having you all to myself! When your big sister was itty bitty she would coo all the time. It sounded like she was singing to me, so I started calling her my coo coo canary. You might have a different pet name, but for now you will also be a canary. I'm sure you can hear your sister all day keeping things exciting. I can' wait until we can feel and see you move so she realizes you are there. We heard your heartbeat for the first time last week, and it was perfect.

Love you!
Momma