Anticipation

I am 38 weeks today! I can't believe it. I'm pretty comfortable and content. I have the typical end of pregnancy annoyances, but I'm still really enjoying this. As much as I want to see and meet him I'm not ready to share him with the rest of the world!  Besides the very dark, sad days I had in the beginning (and my ridiculously huge butt), I have nothing to complain about.

I don't know what the point of this post is, I keep writing and deleting paragraphs because my thoughts are all over the place. What do I really want to right about? There's always something bothering me and I don't want to always be writing about what bothers me.

"You're really going to do it at home?" "Why not just go to the hospital?"

I want to reply, "You are really going to the hospital?" . Instead I reply this way: "You know how uncomfortable the thought of giving birth at home makes you? Well, multiply that discomfort times 10 and that is how I feel about a low risk woman birthing in a hospital. It really worries me."  I try not to have the former "rude" mentality because I remember three years ago when home birth was an outrageous idea to me. I've been asking myself....how did I get here? When Cameron married me, he wasn't marrying a natural birth and back to basics enthusiast. I used to tell say things like this:

"If I ever have get pregnant it's going to be a scheduled cesarean and tummy tuck."
"If we have kids, I won't be able to clean up their puke, you'll have to do it."
"We're waiting at least 5-10 years to even think about kids. But we probably won't have any"
"Breastfeeding?! Weird! I wouldn't want a baby sucking on my boob!!!"
"Breastfeeding past infancy! There's something wrong with that mother."
"I hate kids."
"Newborns are ugly. They all look like aliens."
''If, if we ruin our lives by having kids, I demand a nanny."

There's more, but I'm already disgusted with my old self enough, so let's move on. Considering the previous statements, Cameron probably never thought his wife would say things like:

''I will have you deliver my baby on the side of the road before I go back to a hospital."
"I'm  going to breastfeed our kids and letting them self wean."
''We need to practice our Hypnobabies cues!" (self hypnosis, not the trance-like stuff you see on TV, it's essentially deep relaxation techniques)
''I can't decide what kind of cloth diaper I want!! Can I have one of each!?"
"We don't need to buy a crib."
"Are we going to circumcise our son? How do you feel about missing part of your penis without your consent?"
"I could stay awake all night just to watch her sleep."
"I'm going to blend thumb size parts of my placenta in a smoothie after the birth! You can't even taste it!"

Poor guy. I think he's happy though. And relieved. Actually, he told me after we had Stella that he was relieved. I don't think anyone expected me to transition to motherhood well. Or at all.
You see, I didn't set out to be "this type" of a person or mom. I'm my worst fear come true. I wear black leggings almost every day (sexy version of sweatpants, in my opinion.) I think of my child before myself most of the time! Weird! Seriously...it's really weird! I block the whole aisle with the race car shopping cart. For 6 months straight all of my shirts and bras smelled like breast milk. I feed my child with my breasts, in public. Anywhere. Anytime. I pick her nose, wipe her but, and clean up her vomit. I don't have a nanny and unless I have multiples in the future, probably never will. I spend 80 % of my free time educating myself on how to give my family the best and keep them as healthy as possible?!

Why am I saying all of this? Those are normal things that parents should do, right? Right. But Sabrina Hlavaty wasn't going to do those things, even if she was paid to! So why am I doing them? I don't know. I really don't. It's a miracle. It just started happening. Thanks to the example of other women who were taken captive by the miracle of motherhood, I was able to follow my instincts and do what makes sense for our family -which is usually not the norm or culturally accepted.

For once in my life I am confidently trusting God and getting things done. I'm so ready to do this all again. I am still really anxiety and fear free about my body giving birth the way it's supposed to. Seriously. Birth is a rite of passage. I can't wait to experience it to the fullest! Not strapped down by tubes, monitors and hospital protocol. Not surrounded by strangers. My dad's room, in my childhood home, will forever hold the memory of his first grandson being born. Every birth is one, but we will witness a miracle in the purest form and safest way possible for us.

Yes, I am really giving birth at home. I'm not a saint, just a woman, fully embracing the coolest gift God gave me....participating with Him and my life mate in giving life.

Learning Contentment

All I can think about is getting some land and becoming self-sufficient. I read blogs like New Life On A Homestead and Aspiring Homemaker and long for the ability to create my own homestead paradise with my family. I spend hours daydreaming about getting chickens, spending all day gardening "as if my life depended on it," planting a small orchard or berry patch, having a pantry full of homemade preserves......In fact, I waste so much time thinking about living a simpler life, that I rarely get around do learning/doing what I can with what I've got!

On top of a rough, non-fairytale beginning of a marriage and becoming a mother, I've been going through SO much spiritual and emotional growth the past few years. I can't keep up with anything. Ups and downs. Trying to figure out what God wants us to do. Becoming totally disconnected with every one and thing. Our modern lives are just too fast paced and too meaningless. (I've been reading Ecclesiacties.) Everything is taken for granted. It's insanely overwhelming when you are trying to get back to basics. Undoing however many years of bad habits and easy living is some hard work. Especially when that life keeps calling you back. Oh, and especially when you start trying to boss God around. That's one thing I'm good at.

I also have a nesting problem. Due to circumstances out of anyone's control, we're still waiting to move to our house (the one my dad bought across the street to rent to us.) We've basically been renting out half of my dad's house. Roomates? It's a great set up and I am very thankful for such a good relationship with my generous father, but it's not my nest. I can't decorate and paint and rearrange. I can't get cozy. My husband isn't the man of his house. The end of this phase is soon to come, I know, but that is where a lot of my constant daydreaming comes in. I've settled in here as much as I can. I'm ready for a permanant home.

Why was I blogging again? Oh, right. Contentment. I sit here getting upset because I found this amazing deal of a house with acreage, in a great location, & perfect for our dream lifestyle, but it'd be stupid to buy it. Even if we had the money for a down payment, I really believe it wouldn't work out. God is trying to teach me something with our current living situation and our future (hopefully) rental.  This house across the street (we call it 311)...it has the largest yard in the neighborhood. We can garden our little hearts out. If the Dervaes family can grow/raise almost all of food in their backyard AND sell the excess on their front porch, so can we. We can't have have chickens or goats, but we've got to start small anyway! They've been homesteading for 20 years!

Anyway, I just needed a place to set my head straight. I'm sure my family gets tired of me whining about chickens and self-sustainability.

Let the good times roll

In seven days my little family will be taking a mini-vacation. SEVEN days. I better make it.

This will be our first out of town, road trip experience as on our own, and I started planning it out of blue one day. I had this desperate desire for a break. We all just need to get our of this house that isn't our settled nest and have some fun together, so we're going to New Orleans. I haven't been in years (the year before Katrina was my last visit) so it's going to be like reuniting with a long lost love!

I've spent the past couple of months trying to dig myself out of this pit I got us in, yet again. Dreading being in the kitchen, eating out way too much, letting the laundry pile up for days, arguing, yelling, laying around all day doing absolutely nothing, and just not functioning well as a family.

I overwhelmed myself reading up on lifestyle choices and trying to take ours 'to the next level.' We've spent the last four years informing ourselves and slowly changing things in our diet and lifestyle. I felt like we kept reverting back to certain things and wanted to step up our game after enduring another rough spell of eating out and inactivity. I've done it before, and I did it again....I nearly sent myself into  because of grains. Grains? I know. In 4.5 years I can cut out alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, soda, candy, junk food, fast food, most refined foods, buy organic produce and dairy (excluding our slip ups of course) and it's not enough. When I learn about something new I have this "all or nothing" attitude. It completely sabotages our efforts and we end up having to start all over. (BTW, the grain issue is extremely important and for some people their health depends on immediate action, but we're not in that situation and I was being way too hard on myself instead of taking day by day baby steps

Twenty plus years of a Standard American Diet (topped off with addiction recovery) does not take a few weeks to undo. In the beginning I thought that's all it would take. Two moves, almost two babies, and plenty of other various high stress situations later.....I realize a few years is just the beginning.

I have to constantly remind myself: I'm a 22 year old wife and mother, simultaneously feeding and growing two little humans with my own body! My husband has his joy and zeal completely wiped out of him everyday and still manages to come home with some sort of smirk or kind gesture. Our daughter is healthy, happy and learning. We're doing alright. We're doing alright.


I just wanted to share this because sometimes  it might seem like I have it all together. I talk about breastfeeding, avoiding GMO's, growing my own food, buying organic produce, and cooking meals at home. I'm sure can be intimidating and I do my best to humbly inspire. I just don't want to leave anyone feeling like crap about themselves, and thinking I'm some sort of Domestic Goddess. Blogs and Facebook are great tools for connecting and sharing, but we usually share the positive things about ourselves. I think it's really easy to start idolizing or become envious of someone based off of just little snippets of their lives. I go back and forth all the time on whether or not to keep this little weblog going because of that. For now it stays. There really isn't a more efficient way to keep far away friends and family updated.

We're works in progress. I know, it gets old hearing that, but it's the simple truth.

So whatever transformational journey you're on - remember to stop in New Orleans, grab a muffaletta (if you're not pregnant oysters on the half shell and a bloody mary! *sigh* maybe next time) and laissez les bons temps rouler!!!

A Call To Arms

I'm easily bogged down by the constant reminder of how whacked out or society is. Whether it's a news article, blog post, or a public episode I want to jump to action and changed the world. When I realize that I am one little lady, with an even littler  lady on my hip, who has a mountain of laundry to fold - I get so down and discouraged and want to give up on this what seems to be hopeless world. I don't have the greatest sense of humor and what usually gets me by is a sentimental flicker of hope (or someone else's sense of humor) Two recent experiences reminded me there IS a point to being an advocate (in my case for natural parenting).

I met a pregnant woman and decided to get over my insecurities, introduce myself, and tell her I was very passionate about and somewhat experienced with breastfeeding and if she had any questions or needed any support that I was here for her. She had sort of a negative view about breastfeeding, and willingly let me inform her how fantastic the whole experience is. I made sure to tell her if she decided to try it there would most likely be obstacles and days where you want to give up. (Mastitis UGGG) I have had plenty for sure! She was excited to have another woman her age that is experiencing being a "younger" mother tell her all of this information and we exchanged e-mails. She may not try, but the exciting part is....my backbone is getting stronger and stronger! I get so worried I'm going to offend someone that I lose out on oppurtunities to form relationships and serve other women.

About a week later, I was walking through Target and had Stella in the Moby. It was close to nap time and I wanted to prevent an outbreak. I noticed a woman with an infant carrier attached to her cart eyeing us, so I smiled at her. She walked past, came back and asked, "Is that a Moby?" She was really frustrated because she couldn't figure out how to use it and Target wasn't letting her return it. I gave her some pointers and offered to show her how. I told her how I could nurse Stella while grocery shopping which really turned her on to keeping it which led to telling her about La Leche League meetings. We both walked away feeling much more confident.

So ladies, don't be ashamed to nurse & wear your baby or toddler in public. We are walking billboards that will boost breastfeeding and natural birth rates. Living out our passions is how more women will consider questioning vaccines, choosing chiropractic care, attempting a homebirth or VBAC, and saying no to chemical laden and GMO foods. Resist the urge to be in the closet about the lifestyle choices you've made. Think about tobacco free advocates and all they have gone through and accomplished. Make yourself available for help whether or not you have degree at the end of your name. We may not be the pros, but we know where to get valid information and support.

MOST IMPORTANTLY! Remember to be compassionate. At some point we have all been ignorant, confused or full of pride. Your example is the best witness. A woman is more likely to approach you if you make eye contact and  flash that beautiful smile. God will bring people to you especially if you are willing to serve and love.

My husband said it best to me the other day (in regard to our decision to bedshare), "You really shouldn't doubt yourself and the decisions you've made all the time."

Yes, this is the (improper) use of a Moby Wrap so my husband could play video games.

This Is Where the Healing Begins

"So you thought you had to keep this up. All the work that you do so we think that you're good. And you can't believe it's not enough. All the walls you built up are just glass on the outside. So let 'em fall down.There's freedom waiting in the sound when you let your walls fall to the ground. We're here now" -Tenth Avenue North


Most people don't know that Stella wasn't my first pregnancy. That is the way I wanted it. The coping mechanism I most often use for any suffering in my life is to forget. It seems so much easier to pretend that a negative experience didn't happen, but in the long run it is devastating to one's spirit.


Three months into our engagement, Cameron and I found out we were pregnant. In fact, the same night I sat my father down and told him I wanted to postpone our wedding - I was eighteen , six months fresh out of rehab, and just graduated high school - was the night I found out. I know, what a great day. A lot of people tried to help me look on the bright side, "Hey, at least you're getting married! At least you're not in high school!" I was more concerned with the fact that children are brats, we had to cancel our honeymoon to Disney, my beautiful dress that my dad had already paid for wasn't going to fit in three more months, and the last thing I wanted to be was a pregnant bride. (Me, me, me, me!) Other negative realities were I had a 2 pack a day habit, was planning a wedding while working full time as a manager of a small gelatiere/cafe, and did I mention I wasn't very fond of children?


At about 9 1/2 weeks I started to spot. Everyone told me that it was normal. For more days went by and I was very heavy. Finally on a Sunday I trusted my gut and told Cameron we needed to go to the emergency room. It was such a surreal experience. The nurses and doctors didn't communicate very well with us.The whole time I had no idea what was going on until finally, when I was being discharged we asked, "So what's going on?" The nurse getting me ready to go said in a pleasant and cheerful voice, "Oh, you are in the process of having a miscarriage." And showed us the way out.


A few days before I started bleeding I had finally become content and thankful for the blessing of having a child, so although a miscarriage ended up being a huge relief to the selfish part of me, Cameron and I  were devastated. "It just happens a lot" and "At least you were only two months along" did't make it any better. My puppy was missing when we got home from my D & C (she was found.) I thought God was punishing me and told Cameron he was next that was being taken. I recovered and forgot with pain medication, 2 packs a day, long work shifts, and busy wedding plans. I told myself all that it was only a little blob of cells. My wedding dress fit perfectly and we moved on. 


I never thought about the anniversary of the baby's passing much. I couldn't even remember it and had to dig for the date, honestly. Growing, birthing, and nourishing Stella from my body has changed that. This late summer heat has been killing me emotionally. To understand that it wasn't just a blob of cells, but in fact was a baby with a heartbeat and fingers, brought all of the pain back. I realized to simply forget about this tragedy was to deny that there is a little angel baby waiting to meet us in Heaven.


We all bear so much burden whether it's something from our own hand, a natural disaster, or outside attack. We can't make it on our own. It's much more painful to reject God's comfort, healing and joy and keep all the pain tucked away inside of us than to ask for help or confess something. I'm not suggesting everyone tell the whole internet their deepest secrets. Most times it's just admitting things to God between the two of you. Plenty of people are hurting in the same places you are. They're probably the one's you are jealous of or intimated by (I'm speaking from experience) So, this is me letting my walls down, in hopes of healing from the hurt of losing a baby (along with many other hurts) and inspiring you to do so as well.


"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:6-7

Restoration

Mother's Day has always been uncomfortable for me. I've never been able to relate to the cliché imagery the holiday is marketed with. I'm not a warm fuzzy kind of gal. I anticipated that my heart would soften this year with the arrival of my daughter. I've been a teary-eyed emotional wreck all week thinking about how blessed I am being a mom. My Canary makes every day seem like Mother's Day, Christmas, and my birthday all wrapped up into one
. 
My heart did soften, but not just because of Stella.Things haven't always been picture perfect for my mom and I. Actually, sometimes, they've been extremely rough. Sometimes it seemed like our relationship would always be a challenge, but lately it's been amazing. I can't really explain how it evolved. 


Here's a secret, I've known for years that my firstborn daughter, Stella, would be what sparked the complete restoration of mine and my mom's bond.  I didn't know when or how it would happen, I just knew it would. It was a glimmer of hope God gave me in my adolescence. Call me crazy, it's okay. It has taken this experience for me to realize how great my mom's love is for me and despite her weaknesses (cause, ya know, she's a human too!) she is the perfect mom for me. God knew what he was doing! 
I'm telling you all this because sometimes things seem so hopeless. It seems like no one cares or understands. It's hard to accept that things happen the way they do and to find peace in the truth that all things work together for good. BUT, God cares, understands and thankfully redeems our broken hearts and relationships and I want you to have hope, too.


Finally, on Mother's Day, I can say with a bright smile and pride that I honor and love my mother. I am overflowing with praise and thanks for my beautiful daughter, God's vessel for bringing us closer together.

Disclaimer

If you're going to friend me on a social networking site, follow my blog, or spend any "real" time with me... here's a little disclaimer:

I, like most people, like to research and make well informed decisions for my family. Unfortunately, there is an abundance of conflicting information, advice and opinions. There are unreliable and reliable sources everywhere in all kinds of forms: websites, books, articles, doctors, friends, and family. I  pass on any reliable information I find, so that someone can be inspired to  dig deeper and make the best possible choice for themselves. Actually, I hold back a lot of it in fear of offending people. If a friend of mine hadn't shared the valuable information she had with me I'd completely different parent. It changed my life, and I am trying to do the same for someone else who may be peeking in at my life.

Our culture breeds "sources" that spread ideas that require the least activity, commitment, and time. It's hard to sift through all of the parenting techniques and traditions.  I understand though that there are exceptions to everything and ALSO that no one can do 100 percent best at everything. Also, what's best for you may not be best for me and vice versa. Shoot, sometimes we don't even KNOW what's best and just go with what makes the most sense for our circumstance. Go with your instinct and trust the Holy Spirit to guide you, pray to God about every situation, always ask questions and always be seeking out several different sources of information and support for each topic.

I apologize if I have made anyone feel degraded, stupid, or like a bad parent.